Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in Bitterteared09's LiveJournal:

Friday, November 21st, 2003
9:24 pm	There are Happy Moments too Want to say this before details vanish from memory. On our marching band NYC trip, our bus was driving to the hotels for the night. We had performed in a parade that morn and by this time I was incrediably tired. There's the kind of tired where you are just out of it and sleepy and then there's the occasional tired where you are really hyper. I was hyper. *shakes head* It was embarassing. I started making "dooey" sounds in my throat. At first Josh thought it was funny so he kept flicking my lips to distort the sound. It was realy funny. After that, Josh said I should get some rest. So he told me to lean on him and he gently set my head on his chest. There was a muppet movie playing at the time and being the dork I am, I started going "wacka wacka wacka" w/ the movie. Omg it was embarassingly funny. Josh rubbed my back and set my head back against his chest and went Shh. He whispered to me saying things like sleep, you need rest, and I love you. I eventually fell into a half sleep. I was kind of sleeping but still watched everything that was going on. When I was totally settled down, Josh shifted away from underneath me. He laid me across our two seats, covered my legs (was wearing a skirt), and went to sit w/ a friend in the seat across from us. He let me have the seats to myself. I heard our color guard captain say, "Aw, so sweet." I laid there for a while, half this and that. After a few minutes, I got up and said to Josh, "Come back to bed." He came back and we rearranged so we could sit and I could lean on him. Sadly, we arrived at the hotel a right after. It wasn't until the NYC trip that I realized how incrediably sweet he was to me. He was patient, generous, and caring. There are so many small things he would do for me while we were on the trip. He'd hold my jacket for me all the time and volunteered to hold anything I carried for me. :) My purse is a kind of spacious so time he bought something I'd ask him if he'd like me to carry it in my purse. If it was a bag that wouldn't fit he'd say he'd hold it. Then I'd ask if I could look through it for something. He'd give it to me and I'd never give it back, just so I could hold it for him. There are happy moments in my life too. Josh seems to be the source of most of them lately... (Comment on this)
8:59 pm	Trust Conti Yesterday morning I went up to B and asked why she was perturbed w/ me. She said she didn't feel prepared to talked about it right then. I nodded and said ok. This morning, we were in the locker room for gym, I asked her if she was ready now. She said yes. We talked. I told her I agreed w/ her that Josh and I should lessen PDA. She told me her mother wasn't as fond as me because she saw Josh and I french. I thought, well I woudl expect that kind of reaction. I then moved on to the issue of how much it trusted her and Holly... I didn't realize it until this morning, when I cleared my head, that B or Holly lied to me. B told me Holly was annoyed w/ me last week. I apologize and Holly says she never was upset about anything. Hmm, well someone is lying or there is some serious miscommunicaiton. I told Holly and B why I didn't feel I could trust them as much. I despise liars. It's the sole reason I broke a friendship w/ my past best friend, Rachel. I told them that this was how it first started w/ the three of us started growing apart from Rachel. We'd talk about Rachel whenever she wasn't around and the issue of who's lying etc. They explain that yes Holly was annoyed but she was annoyed at everyone and that I shouldn't take it personally. I didn't say what I thought which was, are you feeding me crap? I asked B what was w/ her being annoyed w/ me too. She said she was annoyed of everyone, the two of them both were actually, and that I shouldn't take it personally. I think, WTF. I'm your best friend and you suddenly get annoyed of me so you tell me "don't take it personally." Oh thanks. THe more I think about it the more I htink they just used that as an excuse for something. *shakes head* I started out not trusting them, thinking one of them was lying to me. I ended up trusting them even less after talking to them. It just felt like they kept feeding me excuses for being perturbed w/ me. They also blame it briefly on PMS. I tell them that I'm having PMS too, so having ppl upset w/ me does not help. My emotions run very high near my period. (Last month, my bf and I had problems. So when he tried to talk to me, I just started crying before he even said anything.) So it's all supposedly worked out... But I don't trust them as much as before and there is still the awkward air. I know they don't feel the same about me anymore, that's for sure. I gave them a dozen pink roses later today (6 for ea of them). I ordered it through a school fundraise for Key club a few weeks back. I thought Holly and B would like them. They did. B hugged me and Holly squeeled. (I feel kind of bad for B though. I don't think Mike got her any flowers.) Josh got me 2 dozen red roses. I carried them around all day because A) wasn't sure if they'd fit in my locker and B) I wanted full bragging rights :D. I absolutely love roses. I wear rose scented perfume, I wore a rose pattern dress to NYC, and I have roses on my most favorite jewelry. It would've been sweeter if Josh wouldn't have told me prior that he ordered me 2 dozen roses. The roses really brightened my day and I smiled a lot. I think it made Josh happy to see me happy too, which made me happier. :P So things are cooled for now... Yet I get the feeling my B and Holly are just watching for an excuse to get on my case... I can't even tell if they are really worth while best friends anymore? (Comment on this)
8:26 pm	Trust My closest best friend, B, was "annoyed" w/ me this week. She didn't like how much Josh and I PDAed during a marching band trip to NYC. The PDA she saw was a bit of tongue. I agree that there shouldn't have been public tonguing. This branches off to what I call "girl logic." (sorry to be sexist). Girl logic is when girls say one thing and then are hypocritical about it later. Mike is B's boy friend. They were making out on the bus too, it's just that they had the very back seat to hide in. Josh and I were diagonal of them. Whenever I looked over at Mike and B, she was on his lap. At the hotel we stayed at for a night, B and I snuck to the boys' room. Mike and Josh roomed together. We see Mike in the hall way. B goes to him and I peer into their room to look for Josh. He's fixing up his tie in the mirror. It didn't really feel right to even go into his room but I did assuming if B was w/ me than I was safe. I turn around and she's not there. Josh and I spend a few minutes together and I get insecure about where B went. I go looking for her. She's in the room across the hall. I'm let in and there are about 5-8 boys in there and B. B and Mike are wrestling on a bed as all the boys watch. These boys range from grade 8 to 10. Well Mike is a senior. I go in and sit there laughing at all the funny stuff everyone is talking about. This crowd is known for how funny they are etc. So I sit in a chair and laugh w/ everyone in the room. B and Mike are wrestling on the bed and everyone makes fun of Mike because B is beating him. I laugh too. B locks his arms down and tells me to give Mike a wedgey. I go for it, it's just too funny to resist (I know Josh wouldn't mind, I gave Mike a wedgey in front of Josh be for). His boxers come about a foot or more out of his pants. Lol. So then I go back to my chair and sit around for a few mins. Every once and a while, one of the guys would sit on the edge of B and Mike's bed and B woulk kick them off. We all laugh at how B is beating up all the guys. Eventually, I think, well B is spending time w/ her boyfriend, why can't I spend some time w/ mine? So I leave to go see Josh. Later on, B asks me why I left her alone w/ all those guys when she was originally alone w/ them anyway. I think yea maybe I shouldn't have left her alone but she doesn't have a right to be mad at me like this. Then she goes to be mad at me for my PDA this week. *shakes head* Thus is girl logic. I agree w/ her that Josh and I should not have been frenching, but like my sister says, B has no right be talking about that. Holly later gets involved w/ the conflict between B and I. Holly has a right to say that I was out of line, not B. When Holly told me that B was annoyed w/ me because I PDAed too much w/ Josh in NYC, I later asked Josh if we could lessen the PDA. He was hurt and kind of angry. Asking him not to touch me as much is like asking him not to say he loves me. We're very touch sensitive. So instead of and arm around the waist, it'd be holding hands. I told him a peck on the cheek if fine. Yea it's worse then an arm around the waist but it's quick I consider pecks on the cheek to be modest. At first Josh was angry at my friends. I never told him I asked to lessen the PDA because of them, he just knew on his own. This issue came up before but to a much lesser degree. I asked if he was mad at me, he seemed to be, but he said he just really didn't like my friends. After school, I had to stay for a chorale rehearsal so I walked him to wrestling practice. I asked for a kiss when we were about to split. I meant a peck on the cheek. He gave me the snide comment, "Are you sure you're allowed to?" It really stung. Though it made me sad to hear that at first, I grew angry later. He has no right to be like that to me. The next day, he wasn't snide or bitter but sad. That hurt too, to see him like that. I smiled and he would barely move his lips. I hate to see him so sad. I wanted him to be happy. At lunch we talked and at some point he said that he wished I'd make more of a stand. What he meant is whenever someone is upset w/ me, I don't work to make myself happy, I work to make the other person happy. He said it seemslike I'm always bending for other ppl. I never make myself happy. I told him making other ppl happy is what makes me happy. Which isn't completely true. I think he's right, but it'st just the way I work things out. That night, yesterday night, he and I talked online for a really long time and the result was both of us were happy again. At least I was happy. At times I think he just puts up a front to see me happy. We worked things out and now everything between us is fine. But then there was B... (Comment on this)
8:04 pm	My complaining Two weekends ago, Sunday, November 9th, was one of my best friends' birthday. Her name is Holly. For her birthday we all went out shopping. Her mother paid for all us girls to get our nails done. When we went in the nail salon, we were immediately confused. There wasn't much space to just stand there and we were crammed by the entrance (the room was just too thin). A few seconds later we're told to pick a color for our nails. We all pick. Seconds later, I think it was the manager, she seemed to be the main one in charge, walks up to us and says for each of us to go to number 5, number 3, etc, meaning go to that table. We were all split up and not in talking range. I didn't really feel comforted by that since I don't deal well w/ unfamiliar adults. I sit there for a while and watch everyone in the room bustle here and there. I begin feeling a little more awkward when Holly's mother suggests I go look at the nail designs on the wall, she'd save my seat. So I go and find a design I really like. When I come back to my seat and get my nails done, the woman doing my nails was... well she rushed and it hurt. I never had my nails professionally done so I just assumed that it's supposed to hurt a little. Then she paints my real nails. I had assumed she was going to put fake ones on. So then I ask if she could put a design on my nails. She directly says no because my nails are too short (I cut most of them all the way down for color guard. They kept breaking off.). I understand what she means and say why can't I just have fake nails put on then? She doesn't hear me and I'm too shy and confused to speak louder. In maybe 5 mins flat, I'm out of that station and told to go sit by a fan to dry my nails. I pass the air brush table and ask why I can't have designs put on my nails. The guy doing air brush designs glances at my nails and says no way, they're too short. I understand they're too short I think. So I say why can't you put on fake nails? They don't hear me again. After that I had given up and shut up. Later, we shopped around and went to the movies. Had mostly a good time. When I call my dad for a ride home from the movies, Becky (other best friend) tells me that Holly is mad at me. I think... well I sighed and then I thought what did I do? B later tells me that Holly is not mad, she's annoyed at how much I complained about the nail salon we went to. I take a day or two to cool down (I get angry when other ppl get angry at me). Then I go to Holly and apologize for being annoying and complaining too much. She tells me she was never upset w/ me, ever or at all. I think huh?/what the crap/my source is flawed. Immediately after I apologize, Holly asked if she could speak alone w/ B. Is it just me is it pretty obvious that she wants to talk to B about me or something related to me? I nodd and go away for a while. When I come back they look at me like everything is fine. I think ok. I don't think I would've hated that nail salon so much if 100% of the employees weren't vietnamese. I am bitter about the vietnamese that don't speak clear english. The funny thing is, the lady doing my nails complained about me in vietnamese and assumed I didn't understand. Well I did so HA on her. I should've said something in vietnamese to her but I don't use the language as often as before. Even if I said something it might not come out right since it's been a while. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 20th, 2003
6:01 pm	Mother and Milk A few minutes ago, I was down in the kitchen. There's not much to drink and my tongue is feeling kind of funny. Soda was not a good option so I go for the milk. Mother is there and turns to me saying that I couldn't drink that since it was the baby's. I turn to Christina and she replies to mother, "She can drink it. It's not labeled [for the baby]." I go ahead and pour some in a glass. Mother than goes on to say that I shouldn't drink that milk because it had "bad cow fat." I think, "What are you talking about?" Christina says something like not all fat is bad, some is good. Mother replies w/ another comment that doesn't make any sense (I forget what it was... think I tuned her out...oops). Then I replied that it doesn't matter what but how much of it [anything food] you take in. Then she said it builds up, which is partially my point. Which shows how much she listens. So then I left figuring she'd go off and complain. (Needed a head start to duck). A few mins after sitting around at the computer, I hear her yelling, down in the kitchen, at Christina. *sigh* Lucky me. PS: I'm currently taking a Food and Nutrition class in school and Christina took it last year. Mother never took one. Hmm... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003
8:48 pm	I haven't written here in a while... Reading some of my old entries... wow. I'm such a dork. "I'm a member of a four way best friendship. It's called The Four. The Four includes: Rachel, Holly, Becky, and myself. Well, lately, I think that The Four is just a BIG JOKE. It's a bunch of bull at this point. It's always, Rachel and I are cool but she's fighting w/ Holly or Becky. Or Becky is mad at me, but cool w/ Holly and Rachel. Or Holly is mad at Becky but cool w/ the rest of us. It makes not sense for us to call ourselves best friends like this if we fight like this all the time. We're never The Four. We're always The Two, or Three, or Two and The Nuetral. Yes I know that good friends fight sometimes, but this is excessive fighting. Every week is a new problem. And 80% of the time, it deals with Rachel and her bf Adam. At first, I was never included in the quarrels, I was nuetral and mediator. But my own boundary lines aren't really clear anymore. Why am I still trying? Despite much of the fighting, we were once all happy, at one time, once. We were all true best friends. Lately, I find that history influencing the decisions I make when I talk to the others about the fights. Instead of doing what I think should be done, I do what I think will keep us together. That's really not true friendship but u can't throw it away either. It's not a big deal now, but it will be in the future. I can feel it". It's ironic how true this is now. We're no longer The Four. It's down to just three of us now. Rachel had been 'disowned.' I disowned her because she lied to me. The others disowned her because she broke up w/ Adam and got back together the next day. Yes that's not so bad but the reason why they broke up is because Adam had an affair. It was just too aparent that Rachel had become too dependent on, if not addicted to, Adam. There's more to it, and there always is, but I'd rather not get into it. School is nearly out. Yay... I'm excited to go w/ out hmwrk... but I would prefer it not be summer because I won't be locked up in the house all day... But there's nothing I can do is there? I'm probably not going to keep this journal up very well... so *shrug* (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
9:25 pm	I GOT SOME MORE BOOKS TODAY!!! LIFE IS PERFECT!!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 20th, 2002
6:19 pm	:-D We got 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place at our competitions (2) yesterday! (@ the second competition there was a tie for first so they gave us the 3rd place trofy). We got an award for best visual @ the second competition too! :-D Very pleased. I love Anthony. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 16th, 2002
3:53 pm	We have two Marching Bands this Saturday. One in the afternoon one in the evening. DUN DUN DUN. The pressure is on. I'm excited but a little afraid I'll screw up big time again. For the years (2) that I've been in Color Guard we've done something really neat. Last year we rolled up a flag a flag and put another one over it so that near the end of the song, we'd take the outer flag out and tada! pretty new flag is born. This year we have these red coats that go over silver sequence, peasant shirts. At championships last year, I couldn't get my outer flag off and it was stuck half way. Lucky for me, the judges thought it was supposed to just be a tail for the formation. I cried and wailed. A junior (he's a senior now) gave me a hug, which was weird since we had never really talked before then and I had thought he wasn't that nice a person. People think Marching Band is nothing, not even close to a sport, but trust me, it's definately just as physically demanding if not mentally too. Mental discipline is a major factor. (But of course, no one in the Band could have as firm muscles as the Color Guard :-P). Last year was horrible to be a member of the Marching Band. Being a Color Guard member was even worse (We were given the name "Flaggets). This year isn't so bad. In fact, I think our school has become more aware of the Marching Band's work. I'm a member of a four way best friendship. It's called The Four. The Four includes: Rachel, Holly, Becky, and myself. Well, lately, I think that The Four is just a BIG JOKE. It's a bunch of bull at this point. It's always, Rachel and I are cool but she's fighting w/ Holly or Becky. Or Becky is mad at me, but cool w/ Holly and Rachel. Or Holly is mad at Becky but cool w/ the rest of us. It makes not sense for us to call ourselves best friends like this if we fight like this all the time. We're never The Four. We're always The Two, or Three, or Two and The Nuetral. Yes I know that good friends fight sometimes, but this is excessive fighting. Every week is a new problem. And 80% of the time, it deals with Rachel and her bf Adam. At first, I was never included in the quarrels, I was nuetral and mediator. But my own boundary lines aren't really clear anymore. Why am I still trying? Despite much of the fighting, we were once all happy, at one time, once. We were all true best friends. Lately, I find that history influencing the decisions I make when I talk to the others about the fights. Instead of doing what I think should be done, I do what I think will keep us together. That's really not true friendship but u can't throw it away either. It's not a big deal now, but it will be in the future. I can feel it. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 15th, 2002
7:33 pm	My school had our Homecoming dance on Saturday night. :-D Hehe, I had lots of fun. Anthony was my date, for which I'm very greatful for (we had originally had conflicting plans, but it was worked ou). Rachel, one my best friends, and her boyfriend, Adam, were with Anthony and I basically the entire time of the dance and slightly after. We left the dance early to go to the coffee house down nearby. I sat in front passenger seat, Anthony drove, and Rachel and Adam made out in the back. Lol. I didn't mind. They do as they like. But whenever it became too quiet, I reclined my chair all the way back just to joke with them. When we arrived and ordered at the coffee house, Rachel ordered some fruit kind of drink (but it was more of a sophisticated drink than just that), Anthony and I both got cappiccinos (though only mine included some a piece of Black Forest Cake), and Adam had an expresso. If you ask me, I think Adam was a little crazy to have gotten an expresso at 10:30 at night. Even worse, he had a second. Anthony isn't really a big fan of coffees. I'm usually not either, but I just felt like a coffee-ish mood. That's basically the highlights of Saturday night. There's a few more, more intimate events but I prefer to keep them to myself (slightly for romantic emphasis I guess). Besides, I lady should never kiss and tell ;-). I love Anthony very much, or at least I care about him more than will for anyone else in a long time. By the end of the month (October 29) I'll be 15, but that doesn't mean anything really. I'd still be what adults would consider puppy love I guess. I love Anthony. He means soo much to me. Before Anthony, I was virtually single for about a year and four months (I dated a boy for less then 1 and 1/2 days somewhere in there, but I guess it's ok to overlook (And, he dumped me)). He's 16, which sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable, but I'm working to cope w/ it. We've been together for a little over a month now. It's not really that long, but I'm so attached to him now that if we broke up.... I would break down tremendously. Though I hate to say it, I kind of wish that I weren't so attached to him. It's what I wanted, someone special to be there for me, but I'm not really used to it. When we first started dating, it was horrible to control all those little actions that I did. These days, everyone always assumes the worst of what you do. So I had to start watching what I did more often more cautiously. And yes, I am/was a slut. I openly admit it, but don't u dare ever call me that. I guess I'm one of those girls that "like it kinky." Biting isn't out of the question for me. Whips, chains... if I knew how to use them w/out harming myself first, it's a definate. I wouldn't oppose to something like that. But Anthony isn't like that (which ironically is one of the aspects that I love about him). He's not really aware of the darker side of things in my life. For that I am greatful since it gives me the advantage of letting him see it little by little, at the pace I prefer. Current Mood: contemplative (2 Comments |Comment on this)
5:00 pm	Well, this is my first entry in my new journal. I'm still getting the basics, though. You might recognize my sister's journal shwin. My name's Maria, I'm 14, and I have a very, very special boyfriend (whom I love) named Anthony. I'm in my High School Color Guard (Band Front) and that's about it right now. I, like my sister, have a strong affinity for vampries, were-creatures, and basically all things super-natural. Well, except ghosts. For some reason vampires don't scare me but ghosts do. I'm sure someone will use that against me some day. Over the summer I started a minor Web-page based on self expression (Writing and art). My sister finally has an inny again. HAHAHA! :-P. Don't talk to me and be a bitch. I'm aware of many ppl feuding with my sister. Keep in mind that I am my own person. Don't come complaining to me about affairs which are between yourself and Shwin. Current Mood: blah (7 Comments |Comment on this)